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Freedom and love

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To be free to do something, you must be free not to do it. We are free to love only to the extent that we aren't forced into it by guiltshamefear of abandonment, or, worst of all, the interpretation of vulnerable feelings as emotional needs.

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To be free to do something, you must be free not to do it. We are free to love only to the extent that we aren't forced into it by the interpretation of vulnerable feelings as emotional needs.

No matter how seductive "I need you" may sound in popular songs, the partner who needs you cannot freely love you. The person who needs you is more likely to abuse you than to give freely of love and support. Most painful conflicts in committed relationships begin with one partner making an emotional request — motivated by a perceived "need" — that the other, motivated by a different "need," regards as a demand.

Any disagreement can feel like abuse when the perceived "need" of one party crashes headlong into the "need" of the other not to be manipulated. The problem is not in the language the couples use or even the content of their arguments, which is why communication and problem-solving techniques rarely help over time.

As long as they perceive themselves to have emotional needs that their partners must gratify, their desire to love is reduced to "Getting my needs met," which the partner often perceives as, "You have to give up who you are to meet my needs. The Perception of "Emotional Need" An and need is a preference or desire that you've decided love be gratified to maintain emotional equilibrium.

The sensation of need begins freedom an increase in emotional intensity — you feel more strongly about doing this or having that; as intensity increases, it feels like you need to do or have it.

To increase your love, increase the freedom you give

Once the mind and convinced that it needs something, the pursuit of it can easily become freedom, compulsive, and self-reinforcing. Obsessing about the preference or object of desire increases the emotional intensity and the perception of need — the more I think about what you should do for me, the stronger the perceived need grows.

Relationships driven by perceived emotional needs are likely to produce power struggles over who has to do what to meet those needs. Toddlers Have Emotional Needs, Adults Have Desires and Values In contrast to perceived emotional needs, desires are positively motivated; if what you desire is based on your deeper values, the act of love makes you a better person.

For example, the desire to love makes you more lovable, i.

Desire is appreciative, not entitled; if I desire something, I am more likely to feel appreciative of it than if I feel entitled to it. Much of the distress in relationships stems from the deterioration of desire into entitlement, which is what people mean by feeling "taken for granted.

Steven Stosny, Ph. Anger in the Age of Entitlement. Relationships Freedom to Love When did "I love you" degenerate into "meet my needs?

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